communication
Articles
Arguments or Spiritual warfare?
Presented by: Suzette- The Marriage Warrior
There are many reasons that arguments occur in relationships. Often times, a solvable surface issue is raised that invariably leads to an argument. Instead of solving the raised issue, the couples’ communication gets twisted as the topic is quickly changed through defensive tactics, deflection, avoidance, and aggression. As the couple pursues the argument, they find themselves in a destructive cycle that hinders their ability to solve the original subject. As a result, the toxic dynamic becomes more familiar to the couple than the natural ability to problem solve. Typically, couples have the intellectual skills to solve the superficial topics. However, because they get stuck inside of the argument cycle, they find themselves lost and feeling powerless to solve even the simplest of problems together. As time goes on, the couple avoids approaching any issues in an effort to minimize the painful occurrence of the toxic dynamic. Eventually, the avoidance leads to an emotional emptiness and void that becomes more destructive to the individuals and the marriage then the argument cycle itself. Could this actually be the ATTACK STRATEGY OF THE ENEMY????? Remember… satan’s goal is to destroy the next generation and he will absolutely target your marriage/family to accomplish his agenda. DIVISION is his main entry source. I encourage christian’s to awaken to the direct alignment they are joined in as they unknowingly come into agreement with the enemy’s plan of destruction for your marriage and ultimately your family. Strife, offense, unforgiveness, lack of understanding, hate, resentment are all his methods of operation. Satan and his army are quite strategic. Remember he is a supernatural entity, performing with a higher intelligence. As humans, we are not powerful over his influences, no matter how much we claim our “christianity”. Recently God revealed to my husband that “the only power we have to defend ourselves from a supernatural power, is to be backed by a higher supernatural power”. It is in using God’s ways, provided by His Word and the life, blood and example of Jesus, that we can defeat the ploys of the devourer. Being a Christian in word only is not going to cut it. We have to engage the supernatural power with the weapons of warfare that Jesus gave us. Think about it….the supernatural power God created for angelic beings did not just suddenly disappear when the third of the angels fell. Instead, they are still in full force, however, the powerful influence they use is for evil, rather than good. These powers of darkness are not mystical but are vividly seen within resentment, bitterness, deception, unforgiveness, passive aggression, rebellion, spite, etc.. Be aware that the force of demonic spirits is a formidable opponent. They are very powerful, intruding on your thoughts, your emotions and your will. However, although the supernatural abilities of the enemy are powerful and mightily influential, they have NO AUTHORITY TO RULE in your life unless you GIVE it to them. Yes, you have to give it to them! If you really look closer at the way you may operate your life or your marriage, you may notice that you are unknowingly volunteering to hand the destroyer your marriage and your family by giving him the authority to rule in his methods of offense, unforgiveness, self centeredness, defensiveness, avoidance… just to name a few. These unholy alignments are consistent within toxic marriage cycles. The scriptures says “Choose you this day who you will serve”. In other words, choose this day the supernatural entity, God or satan, with whom you will come into agreement. The choice of whom you give authority to will ultimately have the power to lead your individual and marital destiny. If your marriage is destructive, than you need to alert yourself to the fact that the enemy is ruling in some way that you, your partner, or both have given him authority to rule. In other words, you are using his tools and will receive his future destruction. The scripture says “the wages of sin is death”. Sin can be interpreted as the attachment or agreement with an evil assignment or entity and death can be descriptive of destruction. If the known or unknown agreements with satan are not broken and traded with God’s recommendations on how to function, then the wages of that “sin-attachment” will ultimately destroy that particular part of your life. Typically, walking in God’s assigned ways is seemingly more difficult than walking in the ways of darkness because the enemy places hindering spirits upon us to give a smoke screen of things being “harder than they really are". However, when you analyze how heavy of a burden it is to continue in anger with your spouse, or to hide resentment or offense in your heart, you will notice the exhaustion associated. Whereas, those who choose to walk in forgiveness don’t seem to carry such burdens and actually feel a relief as they forgive. God gave these instructions for us to operate according to the healthy state he originally designed for us to function. However, satan is well aware that following these simple rules will keep us internally peaceful and unified. Therefore, he interrupts this naturally created state of being by sending spirits of pride, rage, deception and self-idolatry to dwell with us to make sure that we are too hindered to actually release forgiveness. Ultimately, these hindering spirits block individual/relational mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. Couples communication, prayer life, joy, peace, love, provision are all hindered so that we will eventually give up and accept things with the “it is what it is” attitude, without recognizing that “it is what it is” because we keep coming into agreement with the enemy’s tools, rather than coming into agreement with God’s tools and operating accordingly. Once we begin to understand this concept, we have to repent for the agreements we have knowingly or unknowingly made with the enemy. Repentance is a “God-tool” that actually has the power to break agreements with satan. Once you repent and break the agreements, then you have to “choose you this day who will serve” and trade the enemy’s tools for God’s tools in each situation. This is why you have to choose daily, because daily challenges will continue to arise that will require you to pick up a tool. For instance, you can either choose chaos or choose peace, choose secrets/lies or confess your sins one to another, choose resentment or choose forgiveness, choose selfishness or understanding, and the list goes on. Keep in mind that choosing to follow God’s instructions assists us to function in the healthy way God originally designed us to operate, which is to exist without pain. However, to know what God’s instructions truly are you have to be familiar with His instruction book, which is His Word (Proverbs is a great beginning). You have to literally take the ways in which you are currently regulating your behaviors and identity and exchange them for the identity of God, in Christ. Remember, you are a “kid of the King, who is above all other kings” and you have to act like it, rather than behaving like a kid of an evil supernatural entity that is foreign to our original creation. God daily delights in mankind and satan’s agenda was and still is to corrupt what God delights in. Be not deceived…satan is not your enemy, but God’s enemy, so as long as you align yourself under God’s authority, the enemy can’t do anything to you that God will not take care of. As you make the decision to open your mind and heart to God’s ways to operate your life and marriage, His spirit will lead you to walk in transparency, authenticity and vulnerability with self and your partner. Because arguments are based in unseen root issues, rather than superficial topics, ask God to help you to discover the origin of the emotional distress triggered by the arguments with your spouse. Emotional inventory is a therapeutic term used to describe learning a vocabulary of what you are feeling. Oddly enough, many people have never learned emotional vocabulary words. Of course, we all know the words, “hurt, angry, and sad”, but these terms are considered to be secondary emotions, describing specific categories of emotions, rather than primary or deeper feeling words. For instance, if your are angry, there is a deeper, more meaningful word beneath the anger. It may be powerless, rejected or abandoned. In other words, there is a reason, another more descriptive word, that can further reveal why the anger is present and what deeper emotion it is protecting. Secondary emotions are protectors. They serve as distancing walls. The anger protects the primary, more vulnerable emotions from being exposed. Secondary protector emotions hide within the person and are connected to other wounded parts of the human. Most people are unaware of the primary emotions that exist internally. Unfortunately, most social structures have not equipped individuals to identify primary emotions, leaving us defenseless and emotionally ill-equipped to identify them, much less express them. However, keep in mind that the enemy is well aware of the original wounds, as well as the defenseless postures because his strategy was to set them up within us for destruction. When a couple cannot solve a surface issue, such as finances, or routines, then they can assume that primary emotions are being triggered in one or both of the partners. Triggers can be described as sensitivities that are connected with deep, internal, emotional wounds. These wounds are typically established long before marriage, within the childhood development occurring between the ages of 10-13 years old. For example, if a child has an experience that makes him feel powerless and he gets angry about it, then when he is an adult anger is his automatic go-to defense when the feeling of powerlessness occurs. Unfortunately, during an argument, the chances of this partner confessing that they feel powerless is slim. However, if he makes the trade of anger with “choosing” to confess his feelings of powerlessness, the dynamic will automatically make a positive change. If not, then the anger will be present and rule the argument and thus the continued destruction. As couples recognize that their marriage is no longer satisfying in the destructive agreements previously made, then each partner can make spiritual trades and begin recognizing and confessing the deeper emotions, leading to emotional intimacy. Marriage is one of God’s sanctifying tools and when marital division occurs, you will begin experiencing the “one flesh” part of marriage because as strife continues, it feels as if your own flesh is separating from yourself. As you ask God to heal you, He will first reveal things to you within self discovery and self awareness that will bring an individual change that has the potential to lead to a marital course correction. Healthy communication can begin by simply recognizing that when your’e feeling angry, hurt or even numb, take the meditation opportunity to discover the deeper emotions behind the category of secondary emotions. If a couple begins to share with one another their primary emotions, it will automatically provoke compassion, understanding, empathy, love and an ability to stop driving the marriage into the ground. Become acutely aware that your partner is not your enemy, but rather a person with feelings, and one who loves you. As the vulnerable emotions surface and are expressed, the conversations will produce peaceable compassion, which will become the foundation for stable problem solving. Note: As you discover deeper emotions, you may feel shameful to express them to your partner. But shame is part of the spirit of pride. Pride is a destroyer of intimate relationships and marriages have no space for it. Therefore, you will need to rebuke and resist the spirit of pride and ask God for humility and strength to share your vulnerabilities with your spouse. Remember that God is the one responsible for making you and your partner ONE FLESH, and within that type of Holy union there is no room for distance. The scripture says to submit one to another and that confession heals the soul, so although you may be afraid that your partner may not reciprocate, the reward of self-awareness and expression will yield the fruit of incredible self growth.
WARRIOR'S WISDOM:
1. Find a feeling word list, google has tons of them.
2. Become self aware by using the feeling word list and ask yourself a few times throughout the day what you are feeling.
3. When an argument tempts one of the secondary emotions, stop and internally discover which primary emotion are triggering the secondary emotion.
4. Use the tool “I am feeling angry because I feel __________(feeling word).
5. Initiate a time to properly express the more vulnerable emotions with your partner to provoke compassion and empathy between you.
6. Do some internal work to begin to link the triggers with childhood development events that need healing and begin working with someone who can assist in the healing process.
7. Pray that God will remove pride, shame or any other hinderances that would resist this type of growth as you educate yourself on how to take authority in the supernatural realm.
8. Have a conversation with your partner to encourage changing together.
9. Make a decision that you will begin this process with or without your partner.
10.Be aware that the secondary emotions are used to destroy, rather than protect.
Supernatural Martial Communication
Presented by Suzette- The Marriage Warrior
Communication issues are common among couples. Untangling dysfunctional patterns of communication and argument cycles with coping defenses can be much more complexed than just learning how to speak kinder to one another. However, what if there is a hidden secret in the supernatural realm that is missing when it comes to addressing the issue of communication? Many Christians have an individual prayer life. Some people have a deep intimacy with God, while others have kind of a “pop corn” prayer life, in which they just ask for what they need as they need it. Although it is said that “prayer moves everything”, if people really bought into how much power there is in the spiritual realm to change things, they may engage in prayer a lot more. Its all about “knowing what you are doing and why you are doing it.” Husbands typically understand their role as the head of the household, whether they feel like the head or not, they still comprehend that the role is theirs. Women, alike, understand their role as the weaker vessel, accepting that even a man’s physicality is typically stronger than their own. However, these roles are not clear on how they operate in regards to supernatural prayer. Like everything else God does, He made these roles to have phenomenal spiritual value. When each partner taps into these prayer roles, the spiritual alignment can provide not only power in the supernatural realm to defeat the enemy’s objective, but also greatly assists in healthier communication patterns. First let’s deal with the husband’s supernatural prayer role. The scripture admonishes husbands to love their wives. Many men think that it is enough to love their wives with their heart. Unfortunately, that type of thinking is spiritual laziness and will open many unseen negative spiritual doors in the marriage. In properly loving his spouse, a husband has to minister to the love and security needs of his wife. It is well known that women need more emotional conversations than do men. Additionally, many women are more emotionally reactive than their partners. As a result, it is not uncommon for husbands to ignore or dismiss their wives emotional expressions as she keeps the argument lasting forever, or sends text messages that are more like “books”. However, if a husband ignores his wife’s emotions, the enemy will enter through them, and before the husband is aware, things will begin to go south quickly. A word to the wise husband….never dismiss or ignore the emotions and thoughts of your wife, because the enemy may be causing havoc behind the scenes. One of the husband’s duty, as the spiritual head, is to always know what is going on, even if he thinks it’s just in his wife’s mind. The husband is the spiritual watcher over the family, which includes his wife. If he chooses to be aloof to things that are occurring, it will eventually cause chaos. The reason it is important to listen to her is because she is giving clues of what could be dangerously approaching. This is where the husband’s prayer life comes into play. The husband needs spiritual discernment to properly weigh things. God has given the husband the spiritual authority to take dominion over evil, through the blood of Jesus. Whether the wife is screaming her concerns or carefully communicating them, the husband needs to carefully listen so that he can take them to prayer, and allow the Lord to help him navigate. The Lord may show the husband that his wife’s concerns are valid and then direct him on how to address the situation properly. If the Lord assures the husband that there is nothing to deal with, but rather that his wife is being attacked by the spirit of fear/anxiety, then the husband will need to take dominion over that spirit, in prayer, so that his wife can gain peace. Wives also need to learn the supernatural power they possess. Many women express more than what needs to be said, in general. Most women like to talk and many complain. However, research says that a man’s hearing will actually tune out at a certain timbre of a woman’s voice. I guess that is why Scripture states that “it is better for a man to be at the corner of the house rooftop, then to be with a nagging wife”. Wives have a deep need to be heard by their partner, because they are aimlessly searching for a spiritual security, without even knowing it. However, they will never accomplish the goal if they continue to approach the husband in ways he cannot hear or absorb. A spiritually minded women will subdue much of the chatter, as she makes more room for her relationship with God, rather than spending her time with unproductive relationships or mindless conversations. The scriptures says “a wife has the power to win her husband without a word.” This does not mean that the wife should silence her voice, to be the “submitted type”, but rather merely describing a less aggressive approach. A wife gains a lot of supernatural power through praying for her husband. She will begin to witness changes in her marriage that her nagging did not produce. These changes will then motivate her to prayer even more. As she continues to incorporate the supernatural in her life, she will notice unrequested results, such as, more centered-self, a more peaceful home and a stronger clarity to deal with life’s demands. Additionally, as the wife brings her marital issues first to the Lord, she will have a much calmer disposition towards her husband, as they begin the required discussions. The husband would in turn feel the respect he desires from her and may be more willing to listen with ease. If both the husband and the wife begin to supernaturally practice prayer in this way, it would positively cause a communication dynamic change. If the husband attentively listens to his wife in order to see what he needs to bring to the Lord, the wife will feel loved, rather than ignored or dismissed, and secured by the relationship her spiritual leader has with God. If the wife brings issues to the Lord first, she may get the answers she is seeking without even addressing her partner. However, if she still needs to bring it to her husband, her prayer disposition will be reflected in her peaceful approach towards him, giving him the feeling of being respected. As a result, he will participate as a more active listener. The prayerful attitude of each partner will diminish the offense toxicity as well, which will lead to future opportunities for healthier communication. Everything occurs in the spiritual realm, through the practice of prayer. Couples who trade a superficial prayer life with a supernatural prayer life, will reap more benefits in their marriage than they ever could experience otherwise.
WARRIOR’S WISDOM:
1. Begin a deeper, individual prayer life
2. Practice controlling selfish tendencies to ignore, dismiss or aggressiveness when addressing issues
3. Speak positively regarding your spouse both in the natural and in the supernatural prayer life
4. Equip yourself with efficient prayer tools, such as repentance and forgiveness, fasting, scripture and spiritual warfare weapons
5. Recognize that the enemy intrudes supernaturally and his exit gates are also supernatural